When Someone You Love Is Upset, Ask This One Question, writes New York Times “wellness columnist” Jancee Dunn.
It’s a helpful question for almost anyone – including colleagues, students, and clients – even if you don’t love them. This question can give people a sense of control, which they may really appreciate, especially when they are feeling at loose ends.
Of course, it may not be appropriate to offer to hug people in some contexts, but it’s generally helpful to ask if people if they want to be helped or heard. They may want both, but the sequence may be very important. Sometimes people may want your help – but only after they feel that you have really heard them.
Ms. Dunn writes, “There’s evidence that being heard, known as ‘high-quality listening,’ can reduce defensiveness during difficult and intimate conversations. And some research suggests that couples who give each other supportive advice have higher relationship satisfaction.”
Regarding high-quality listening, she cites a recent analysis explaining that self-determination theory “can help explain why high-quality listening is effective, especially in reducing defensiveness, bridging divides, and motivating change.” Here’s how the authors define high-quality listening:
We understand high-quality listeners convey three qualities to their interlocutor: undivided attention, comprehension, and positive intention. Listeners indicate that they are attending to the speakers’ content through backchannel behaviors in the form of verbal and nonverbal reactions that signal interest without interrupting the speakers, including a key set of non-verbal behaviors (i.e., eye contact, open posture, and facial expressions). High-quality listeners also communicate that they comprehend what speakers are saying by paraphrasing conversational content and asking open-ended and clarifying questions. Importantly, as they do so, high-quality listeners convey their positive intention by taking a non-judgmental attitude toward the speakers, providing some measure of validation, and through facial expressions that convey interest and curiosity. This non-judgmental attitude is not isomorphic with agreeing with what the speaker says; rather, it entails acknowledging the speakers’ freedom to freely share their perspectives.
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It is worth noting that many studies on listening have focused on the closely related construct of active listening. When this term was first coined by Carl Rogers in 1951, it defined the non-judgmental and empathic approach still understood to constitute high-quality listening. However, over the years, it has lost its original meaning, and the benevolent intention that characterized it within the humanistic tradition is frequently used in marketing and other areas to induce speakers to behave in line with listeners’ goals. Because benevolent intention is a key aspect of high-quality listening, the current operationalization of listening necessarily includes behaviors that convey relational valuing (i.e., a positive intention toward speakers that recognizes their intrinsic worth).
The muddying of the concept of active listening also obscures an important quality of high-quality listening: that listeners must be genuine in order to be perceived as truly good listeners. Listening cannot be reduced to performing a series of techniques from an automated script. Rather, these techniques must be used in conjunction with genuine interest and caring for the individual speaking, even if only while listening to that conversation. Previous research has shown that speakers can detect non-genuine listeners and do not respond well in these circumstances. (Citations omitted.)
In my classes, I found that the concept of active learning was problematic for some students who associated it with a formulaic set of procedures that made them feel “phony.” I suggested thinking of it as “good listening” and, before they did a listening exercise, we discussed their experiences of good and bad listening. I told them that if they felt phony doing the exercise, they weren’t doing it right.
Take a look.
Both high quality listening and active listening can feel and be perceived as formulaic, a polite ritual proceeding in a prescribed format. That’s because skills are often taught, and thus practiced, without reference to underlying principles–the theory from which the skills were derived. Theory helps us understand why we apply the skills, for what goals, at what moments,. As well, theory provides a basis for assessing whether the intervention was useful or off the mark. From Leonardo da Vinci: “He who loves practice without theory is like the sailor who boards ship without a rudder and compass and never knows where he may cast.” Learning skills without theory leads to awkward, stale, and frequently ineffectual practice.
This is so true and why sometimes we hear reports of this response to verbal interventions – “Oh, you are doing that mediator thing.”