New York Times columnist David Brooks wrote a touching essay about his reactions to a lifelong friend’s struggle with depression and ultimate suicide.
Mr. Brooks gave Pete advice about how to deal with his depression – and found that his efforts were counterproductive.
It’s only later that I read that when you give a depressed person advice on how to get better, there’s a good chance all you are doing is telling the person that you just don’t get it.
I tried to remind Pete of all the wonderful blessings he enjoyed, what psychologists call “positive reframing.” I’ve since read that this might make sufferers feel even worse about themselves for not being able to enjoy all the things that are palpably enjoyable.
I learned, very gradually, that a friend’s job in these circumstances is not to cheer the person up. It’s to acknowledge the reality of the situation; it’s to hear, respect and love the person; it’s to show that you haven’t given up on him or her, that you haven’t walked away.
. . .
If I’m ever in a similar situation again, I’ll know that you don’t have to try to coax somebody out of depression. It’s enough to show that you are trying to understand what this troubled soul is enduring. It’s enough to create an atmosphere in which the sufferer can share her experience. It’s enough to offer him or her the comfort of being seen.
These are important lessons for us all. Particularly the lawyers, mediators, and other dispute resolution practitioners we train. We teach them to spot issues, look for relevant evidence, identify people’s interests, and help people fix their problems. That’s all fine – if we first really listen to their troubles so that they know we really “get” them and not just wish or miraculously fix their problems away. If we try “active listening” and it feels phony because we’re going through the motions, we’re not doing it right.
Dwight Golann wrote a terrific article describing how disputing parties often feel deep grief over their experiences of loss, and offering specific suggestions to deal with these strong emotions.
Mr. Brooks’s essay touched a nerve in me. As I recently wrote, one of my wife’s close relatives died about two months ago. Fortunately, she isn’t clinically depressed and she is dealing with her grief pretty well. But I hear that at various times she feels it as a general loss of joy, a filter darkening her views of everything, a gut punch, or periodic waves of sadness that don’t quickly go away.
I try, not always successfully, to really just listen and not immediately jump in to soothe or solve things. I think this is the greatest gift I can give her. Ann agrees.
So important and so difficult at the same time, John! People does not realize how essential is the empathetic active listening (it is more than active listening) and that it is just “close your mouth” ,pay attention with interest in the other person feelings and thoughts to understand them. The focus in in the other person.
Recently bereaved, feeling an intense well of sadness, and learning to live with aching grief, let me affirm that advice is not only unhelpful, it feels deeply disrespectful. I want contact with my family and friends–a connection to the familiar as I face the often overwhelming confusion of the unfamiliar. What I don’t find helpful, no matter the intention, are “Have you thought about…?” or “Why don’t you…?” It’s as though these people believe I am weak, vulnerable and incapable of managing my life in this moment of grief. Just talk with me and listen.
I see a parallel here in our work with people in conflict.
The New York Times published an article, “The Best Way to Comfort Someone When They’re Sad. A limited yet growing body of research suggests that one of the most powerful ways to support someone is also the simplest: Start a conversation.”
It describes the following suggestions:
* Validate their emotions.
* Help them strategize (if they’re open to it).
* If they welcome problem solving, frame it carefully.
* Remember that it’s the thought that counts.
Take a look.
Short and to the point.
All part of the real human experience
Thank you for your timely post. From my recent attempts to do as you described for grieving loved ones- solve, soothe, coax, reframe – I agree most heartily that better than all of these, just listening agendalessly is actually the best gift.
Beautiful and touching post, John. I’m so sorry for your wife’s loss, but am very glad to hear you’re offering her the kind of support she needs right now.
You are quite right. People need to feel validated, heard and respected. The idea that we should always feel good is counter to the idea that we need to embrace every aspect of ourselves, and then make the choice of what serves us best in the moment.