On occasion, my brother-in-law and I get to thinking about the same topic. His venue–a weekly sermon often linked to the Torah portion–and my venue as the classroom and this blog. I had much fun talking with him last week as he wrote his sermon “Can You Grow From a No?” and I am delighted to link to his full sermon from two weeks ago in which I am the obliquely-referenced sister-in-law. As he said,
“To be human is to be in constant negotiation with other people, and those negotiations will either end in “yeses” or in “no’s.” And because we have needs, because we know what we think we want, because we are vain and have egos, we want those exchanges to end with a “yes.” We want our cravings to be met, our opinions proven true and our positions affirmed. A “yes” brings satisfaction. Our will has prevailed, our efforts have paid off, our selves have been validated. A “yes” means we were right.
“No’s” are less fun. “No’s” signal defeat. When someone tells us “no,” we feel a little piece of us die. We are bruised and we are hurt, diminished in the eyes of others and in our own eyes.
But here is the thing. Since our lives are filled with negotiation, we all know that “no’s” await us all; they lurk right around the corner for each of us. So the question isn’t how to avoid them; they are inevitable. The question is, how do we respond to them when they happen? Which leads us back to my original question: “Can you grow from a ‘no’?”
Both of our answers are an undoubted “yes” and his sermon is quite eloquent in all the ways that hearing “no” can make us stronger. As for me, I would argue that negotiation theory shows us the usefulness of hearing “no.” No’s can make us more creative, no’s can make us step back and rethink, no’s can enourage us to bring in other opinions about how to get something done. I truly believe that the most effective negotiators not only know how to get to yes, they realize that the pathway to yes might be strewn with no’s along the way.
I’ve always been told by my parents that when one door closes another opens, and you just need to look for it. The “nos” in our lives definitely mold us into the people that we become. I believe that to grow as a person, you need to not be afraid of a “no.” “Nos” are always a potential when you are truly challenging yourself. The most likely result from not challenging yourself is complacency. The part of the sermon that interested me the most was the effect “no” can have on “yes.” I am a firm believer in the idea that defeat makes you enjoy winning that much more. The inventor Thomas Edison was familiar with failure and used it to spur him on to greater invention. He has been quoted as saying, “I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.” If it works for Thomas Edison, it works for me.
After reading the sermon, I went on to watch J.R. Rowling’s Harvard commencement speech that was mentioned a few times. The part that struck me the most was when she said that it is up to each of us to determine what failure is. Rowling joked that being Harvard graduates, her audience “was not very well acquainted with failure”, but she says that even still, everyone will know failure. As a law student, I know that this is something that is often done by successful attorneys. We are taught to take a seeming failure and turn it into something good (like a new collaboration or an innovative solution), thus denying the failure. Using no’s as the sermon suggests, perhaps is just another way to deny the failure. We can use the no as a stepping stone to better a relationship or a renewed sense of motivation or direction. We define what a failure is and a no does not have to be a failure.
As a second-year law student involved in the on-campus interview process, I can especially relate to this post. As we were all told prior to beginning interviews (especially in this economy), “you will likely be rejected more in these next few months than you have most of your life,” Yet, I agree with the premise that failure, while never welcomed, is good in the long run. Hearing “no” never feels good, but it builds character, thickens your skin, and helps you learn from your mistakes. When reading this blog post, I could not help but think of Abraham Lincoln. Today, Lincoln is considered one of our most successful Presidents, but his life was full of failure. He constantly heard “no” and faced rejection. Society originally rejected him as an ugly country bumpkin, his future wife, Mary Todd, originally rejected him, and he lost many elections including the famous race for U.S. Senator against Stephan Douglas. Even though Lincoln was constantly told “no” he never gave up. Instead, he grew into a fearless leader who preserved the Union and freed the slaves. There is no question that you can grow from a “no.”